How to Get Along With Frenemies

by Susan Cramm  |   12:55 PM January 27, 2010

You’ve got senior level buy-in, authority, and resources for your project. But you’re lacking a few critical supporters. A few people in the middle of your organization are making it tough for you to get your job done. Their mouths say, “Yes,” but their actions say, “Yes, but…”

You’re not alone. Collaborating isn’t easy. Agendas, approaches, and personalities often conflict.

Last week, a leader said to me, “I have enemies everywhere. They want me to fail.” He has tried to lead with compassion but has found that this approach is leaving him frustrated and unable to make real progress. If you have some “frenemies” — colleagues with whom you have cordial, yet unproductive relationships — don’t give up. Before they become full-fledged enemies, do the following:

• Stick to the facts. No one has “enemies everywhere.” The leader above has two — not 10 — people who are making his life difficult: A boss who wants more information and a peer who expects adherence to the standard process. Settle down, breath deeply, and write down what you know for sure — the facts, not your interpretation of the facts. When you see them in black and white, you’ll be able to strip away the emotion and the problem will reduce in size and severity.
• Don’t take it personally. No one is trying to make you fail. People are way too self-involved and much too worried about their own failure to give much concern to yours. If you ever find yourself thinking, “If it were me, I would never…” stop right there. Trying to psyche out someone else’s motivators with our “me-oriented” brains is always fruitless.
• Talk it out. If someone is bugging you, odds are, you are bugging him. If left unresolved, negative feelings reverberate back and forth and ultimately harm the relationship. “He cancelled my meeting”, becomes, “He always cancels my meetings”, and balloons into, “He doesn’t respect me.” Talking it out requires stating the facts, tentatively offering up your interpretation, and asking for feedback. Using our meeting example, this translates into something along the lines of, “I noticed that you cancelled the last two meetings. It seems like you have more pressing priorities. What’s going on?”
• If you can’t talk it out, work it out. If a colleague repeatedly cancels your meetings, drop by her office to chat. If she requires more information, inundate her. If she wants you to jump through process hoops, jump early and jump often, so that her hurdles don’t slow you down.
• While you are working it out, spread it out. Distribute authority by forming a governance board, consisting of your frenemies and the powers-that-be, so that key decisions are made collectively, not individually. These forums also help accelerate progress since no one wants to be on the “issues and risks” lists when project status and timelines are up for review.
• If all else fails, relax. Adjust your aspirations and your timelines to align with the tempo of the organization. Some organizations embrace leaders who judge their progress every 10 minutes, some every 10 days or 10 months. If you are holding yourself and others to a standard that is higher than the organization at large, your nagging will do nothing more than label you as a leader who lacks political savvy and “doesn’t know how things get done around here.”
• Rinse and repeat. As work changes, relationships need to change as well. At the end of each day, clear your head, review this list, and get ready to do this again (and again, and again).

More blog posts by Susan Cramm

More on: Communication, Conflict, Managing people

SUSAN CRAMM

Susan Cramm is the founder and president of Valuedance. A former CFO and CIO, she is an expert on IT leadership. She is the author of 8 Things We Hate About IT.